Three Things Nobody Tells You About Having A Baby

by HEAB on December 7, 2010

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I am so excited about today’s post as it’s my first ever guest post here at HEAB. Back when I started reading blogs, I had 3 regulars that I read everyday: Mizfit, Mark’s Daily Apple, and The Great Fitness Experiment. Eventually, I started a blog of my own, and I am so honored to have Charlotte, the hilarious and very talented author The Great Fitness Experiment as well as Y member extraordinaire and amazing mom to four, shed some light on pregnancy and labor.

In honor of her guest post, Charlotte has graciously agreed to send one of my readers a copy of her new book, The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything. The book chronicles 12 months in the life of Charlotte and her Gym Buddies as they attempt all sorts of workouts, including everything from Cross Fit to kettlebells to days filled with double cardio. I just finished reading my copy last night, and for anyone who enjoys reading about fitness and exercise while laughing out loud, then this is the book for you. Charlotte, thank you for giving me hope that I will someday be able to do an unassisted pull-up (my dream!) and for sharing your HIIT treadmill mishap. Good to know I’m not the only one. :) Anyone who leaves a comment on this post will be entered in the giveaway, and trust me, you want to read this book. I was entertained from cover to cover.

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I give you Charlotte…

Over the years, Heather and I have tried out a lot of things together. I gave her the barftastic Tabata workout on the spin bike. She gave me her awesome recipe for maple nut oaties, which in my incapable hands turned out looking like turds, although they did taste awesome. (Seriously Heather, how do you make such perfectly uniform balls?!)

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My perfectly uniform balls.

We won’t even discuss how I massacred her 2-ingredient no-fail chocolate coconut fudge recipe. Clearly she and I are a great team: I give her sweaty, painful workouts and she gives me day after day of delicious recipes! It’s a win-win… for me, anyhow.

So I was beyond excited when Heather told me that she and I would get to try out having a fit pregnancy together! (That came out wrong. CD is definitely the dad. I did not help with the getting pregnant part. Although I do wish I’d thought of the va-jay-jay cake – that might be the awesomest baby cake I have ever seen.) Through some fluke of the Internet gods and weirdly synced up cross-country ovulating (Katy Perry was right – us girls are magical!), she had Summer the HEABlet exactly one year to the day after I birthed my 5th baby, Jelly Bean.

Success: we both had beautiful, healthy, baby girls while still exercising and eating well! But while Heather specializes in making difficult things look easy, my superhero power is making easy things look difficult! And making difficult things, like childbirth, positively PTSD inducing! So after reading Heather’s beautiful labor and delivery story (I cried – seriously, I did – something happens after you have kids where your tear ducts get rewired to your uterus so that anytime anyone even talks about having a baby, even in a Johnson & Johnson baby wash commercial ahem, you bawl uncontrollably. It’s especially embarrassing when a Kotex ad comes on. Don’t judge.) I decided that there are few minor parts she left out.

Three Things Nobody Tells You About Having a Baby

1. Heartburn, cravings, swollen ankles, mule kicks to your cervix (surprise: it has nerves too!) – the discomforts of late pregnancy are pretty well known but one that they hardly ever mention is swollen gums. All those wacky pregnancy hormones send extra blood to your mouth where it inflates your gums until you have Lisa Rinna lips, but on the inside. Your teeth feel like they’re going to fall out, hot and cold drinks have you wailing like a Jonas Brother and you may crave crunchy popcorn but all you can handle is room temperature yogurt.

2. Even though you are not a toddler nor geriatric, you will pee your pants. And I’m not talking about your water breaking. (Side note: That old “tip” about carrying a jar of pickles in your purse to drop on the ground in case your water breaks in public? Insanity! People are going to be way more concerned about a crazy woman randomly shattering glass objects that spray acidic liquid in communal spaces than an obviously pregnant woman with leakage.) No, if you see a woman very late in her pregnancy or right after delivery with damp spots down her legs, she probably wet herself. Even worse, she probably doesn’t even know it yet. Pregnancy hormones loosen everything up, even afterward and that combined with having just shoved a bologna loaf out your hoo-ha make an accident a near certainty. Take comfort in knowing that it has happened to all of us!

3. Your butt will look like one of those baboons in heat at the zoo.

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Yep, that about sums up how it feels.

There’s swollen tissue and then there’s what happens after the baby comes out. (Unless you have a c-section – it’s a Get-Out-of-Baboon-Butt Free card.) Just accept the giant mesh granny panties the wise nurse/midwife will give you, stuff one of those cookie-sheet sized pads in there and waddle with pride. If you can talk your nurse into it, they even have pads now with an ice-pack core! Also, sitz baths work miracles. And you should probably stay away from the zoo, just in case. (Heather here. OK, none of my nurses mentioned the ice-packs. Totally requesting those should there be a HEABlet #2. Oh, and those sitz baths…couldn’t have made it through that first week without them!)

Now that I’ve frightened you out of ever having children, I will say that even with all of the awfulness I’ve described I’ve still had 5 of the little darlings. Babies are that wonderful! While you do not forget the pain involved in getting them here (a man must have made that one up) they are totally, miraculously, beautifully worth it. The cliche is true: what you work for, you value more! I’m so grateful that Heather and CD have shared their pregnancy and now Summer with all of us (mostly so I can get my baby fix here because I’m never popping out another of my own) – it is a gift and I love watching their little family grow day by day. Thanks for letting me be a tiny little part of that Heather!

For all of you that have had babies – what part of the process surprised you? Any advice you wish someone had told you first? And for those of you who are child-free, don’t you agree with me about the pickle jars?!

Written with love by Charlotte Hilton Andersen of The Great Fitness Experiment (c) 2010. If you enjoyed this, please check out my new book The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything for more of my crazy antics and uncomfortable over-shares!

Charlotte
http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com
Check out my new book! The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything

Charlotte, thanks again for making an appearance here at HEAB! ‘Twas truly an honor, and I’ll announce the winner of Charlotte’s book as well as the winner of my photo editing giveaway tomorrow.


{ 256 comments }

Kjirsten- Balanced Healthy Life December 7, 2010 at 9:39 am

All the pain and discomfort in the world is worth having a baby! That is what I keep telling myself! : ) Thanks Charlotte for posting!

Bonnie December 7, 2010 at 9:44 am

Awesome post (both of you!)!

grocery goddess jen December 7, 2010 at 9:46 am

I LOVE Charlotte and read her blog every day, too!

I did not know about the butt thing. And I don’t know what sitz baths are, please fill me in! I definitely hope to be a mom sometime soon…but I think I’d rather not hear about anymore scary things!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 10:03 am

A sitz bath is basically just sitting in a bathtub filled with a few inches of water as hot as you can stand it. I don’t know why it has a funny name! And the good def. outweighs the scary:)

Carolyn December 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

i think it’s cuz you’re” sitzing” down in the tub… :-)

(a bath in which only the hips and buttocks are immersed, usually for therapy; a tub or basin used for such a bath; Origin: partial transl. of Ger sitzbad < sitz, a seat)

.. and my teeth/gums hurt when i have just my period!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:50 am

Jen,
Sitz bath is where you sit in hot water – as hot as you can stand it. Here is some Info left for you by another commenter: a bath in which only the hips and buttocks are immersed, usually for therapy; a tub or basin used for such a bath; Origin: partial transl. of Ger sitzbad < sitz, a seat

Jess December 7, 2010 at 9:47 am

I don’t have a baby but that guest post was hilarious. Charlotte cracked me up…I think I’ll have to check out her book/blog!!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 10:04 am

Thank you Jess! I hope you like it!!

Larissa December 7, 2010 at 9:48 am

ehhh, i have never had babies, but this makes it sound so scary. I love babies just am not sure i could go though all that. on another note, i am really interested in checking this book out, hopefully i will win, if not i am going to go in search of it. I have recently been tweaking my workout plans trying to find out what works best for me. I was doing a lot of kick boxing and boot camp until i realized my legs and butt were getting big so my pants were tight! ive toned it down with some elliptical sessions and it seems to work. Anyway great giveway thanks!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 10:06 am

You and I are a match made in heaven then Larissa! You pretty much just described my life! I hope you like the book, no matter which way you get it!

Lauren December 7, 2010 at 9:50 am

I’ve never read Charlotte’s blog before, but she is hilarious, must check it out!

Nicole December 7, 2010 at 9:50 am

Ahh- things like this scare me a little, I have to admit! But no pain, no gain, right?

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:48 am

Nicole – right. Totally worth it in the end!

karina December 7, 2010 at 9:51 am

I didnt know there would be so much blood when their born………They are soo worth it yes indeed……..

charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Oh the blood! TRUE!!

mallory December 7, 2010 at 9:53 am

hahaha awwwwww holy goodness i never considered all that i just wow in the joy of pregnancy and children! now you got me thinkin!!!!!!! i think shes right though, all worth it and 5 times for her!

Jess@atasteofconfidence December 7, 2010 at 10:02 am

Love the post! I’m childless, but I thought it was hilarious :)
And I had never seen the va-jay-jay cake, it’s great!!

Kristin December 7, 2010 at 10:03 am

I would love the book! I am totally looking for a new workout routine. As for having a baby…adoption is looking ever better. :)

Melissa Cline December 7, 2010 at 10:03 am

Squirt some giant maternity pads with a bit of the comfrey/herb wonderfulness that Mary Anne brews up, then some arnica gel on top of that and freeze. In the first week postpartum it was heaven in my mesh underpants!

The fact that I *didn’t* get ridiculous baboon butt hemmies was the biggest surprise. I pushed SO hard I was sure my whole lower half was inside out. LOL

I kept telling myself that so many people do it more than once–on purpose–that it can’t be that bad. And it wasn’t.

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:46 am

Melissa,
I so gotta remember the comfrey/herb + arnica gel for next time, and hey did you see this article about 9 Months & Beyond in the paper today. So exciting for them: http://www.tennessean.com/article/20101207/FEATURES04/12070314/New+moms+seek+help+with+breastfeeding+problems

Victoria (District Chocoholic) December 7, 2010 at 10:03 am

Thanks for sharing this – I do not have children and am not planning on it, but I think it is unfair to women for people to be so hush-hush about pregnancy issues. It leaves them wondering if things are normal, not knowing how to safely relieve symptoms, and feeling even more alone. Talk people! It’s not disgusting, it’s just life!

charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm

I totally agree Victoria! Us girls gotta stick together:)

Hayley December 7, 2010 at 10:06 am

I love Charlotte and her fabulous blog! I appreciate her honest views and her writing is so entertaining.

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Oh thank you Hayley! I love you too!!

Amber December 7, 2010 at 10:06 am

Fabulous post, ladies. I’ve never given birth, but I will definitely remember Charlotte’s secrets when I do. Baboon butt is classic!

Sarena (The Non-Dairy Queen) December 7, 2010 at 10:09 am

The ice pack pads are a gift from God or a genius woman that knows how great ice is for a swollen bottom! All of the bad stuff is so worth it when you have snarky little stinkers running around that remind you of yourself and your husband!

Tamara December 7, 2010 at 10:11 am

I <3 you both! At 42 and recently married for the second time, I think the window of opportunity for me to ever have a child is quickly closing. Thank you for making me a little less sad about that. ;)

Man, I can't wait to read the book. Would love to win it!

Kristin December 7, 2010 at 10:12 am

This was hilarious – and scary for those of us who’ve not had a baby yet. I’m not sure the pickle jar dropping would deter me – acidity aside – I’d be thinking the crazy pregnant lady went into labor while trying to manage her cravings!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Hahaha! I hadn’t thought of the craving angle! Good point!

Healthy Chocoholic December 7, 2010 at 10:15 am

Great guest post!!!!!!! Thanks!

Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday December 7, 2010 at 10:17 am

Oh my gosh, thanks for scaring me away from every wanting a pregnancy :/

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:44 am

Samantha,
Don’t be too scared – totally worth it in the end! :)

Carly December 7, 2010 at 10:18 am

And I thought the scariest part was just getting the baby OUT! I do hope to witness someone spontaneously breaking pickle jars at some point in my life!
Great post ladies!

ReaderN December 7, 2010 at 10:19 am

As someone who is currently trying (slowly but steadily) to break from a 10-year routine of running every day… I would love to read Charlotte’s book!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Oooh I know exactly where you are coming from! I too was a run-a-holic. Trust me, you can totally keep your figure (and even improve it) dropping most of your running and adding in some weight lifting. My current Experiment this month is doing exactly that and I’ve already gone down a pants size! Come join me!

Erin H December 7, 2010 at 10:21 am

I’ve been wanting to read Charlotte’s book!

GREAT post! I don’t have any kids yet, but I’m a big advocate of knowing every single detail before going through something, so this was FANTASTIC info!!! Bring on the baboon butt and inflated gums! YESSSSSSSSS! :D

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Buwhahahah! Your enthusiasm is awesome! I can already tell you are going to be an amazing mom Erin:)

Natalia - a side of simple December 7, 2010 at 10:23 am

I’m in love with your honesty. It’s so nice as a young woman to hear “real story” accounts (besides those from my mom) that share the real truth about pregnancy. Yes, it’s a beautiful thing. No, tearing the heck out of your body is not. Compromise.

Kayla @ Let's Live Wholesome December 7, 2010 at 10:23 am

As soon as I decide I’d like to have kids in the future, I read stuff like this ;-)

What an excellent writer and friend to have in your arsenal! I’ll have to bookmark this page for when I have kiddos, in, uh, 15 years :-D

Sara December 7, 2010 at 10:25 am

Ok if the book is as hilarious as this post, I’m in!

And as someone currently trying to conceive, I’m definitely not scared away. I know that all of the pain and EVERYTHING you go through will be more than worth it (I just hope our babies’ heads take after mine and NOT my husband’s giant melon). And yes, the pickle jar thing is crazy.

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

I hope the book is as hilarious as this post – I did my best:) Good luck with your husband’s genetics – mine has a giant melon head too and all our kids but one inherited it. Hmmm… maybe that’s why I got the baboon butt…

Tori December 7, 2010 at 10:26 am

Oh my…these are definitely the things that no one tells you!! I am yet to have kids, but most of my friends have so at least I will have plenty of good advice when the time comes. Thanks for the post!!

Geosomin December 7, 2010 at 10:26 am

You’v freaked me out a little bit – I was OK with it all until the baboon butt :)
I agree with you about the whole pickle jar thing. If you’re pregnant, I honestly think it’s a “pee yourself” allowance card. I totally think it means you’ve earned the right for it.:)

Alina @ Duty Free Foodie December 7, 2010 at 10:27 am

I would rank pregnancy pretty highly on the list of Things that Scare the hell out of Me but I Might still do Someday. Annnnnd it just moved up a notch. Side note: I am bummed your book isn’t released in Canada yet.

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

It’s not?? Does Amazon not ship to Canada? Sorry! I totally don’t know anything about this side of the book biz…

Megan December 7, 2010 at 10:29 am

I’m glad Charlotte is still allowing CD to take credit for the HEABlet :) The book sounds like loads of fun. I would love to hear someone bring the craziness we’ve all seen at the gym to light!

Heather (Perspective Is Everything) December 7, 2010 at 10:31 am

great post Charlotte and Heather!
i had my daughter 7 years ago and did research like mad! i thought i knew everything.
then my water broke. and filled up. and broke. and filled up. and broke.
MY WATER BROKE THREE TIMES before giving birth.
i had NO idea that was possible.
but, after 26 hours of labor and 3 hours of hard pushing, i have the most amazing daughter ever :)

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Ooh good one!! The other thing no one ever told me about the amniotic fluid is that it’s the baby’s pee just getting recycled… as if there’s not enough random bodily fluids squirting!

rachael (peace, kale, and yoga) December 7, 2010 at 10:34 am

The 2 things that surprised me the most were newborn related. 1) The first dirty diaper that we changed at the hospital shocked me. The waste products from anaerobic respiration are certainly something different. 2) The frequency that newborns nurse is really unbelievable until your boobs are living it.

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:41 am

Rachael,
The sticky poop – I didn’t get it until that first diaper. That stuff is like tar!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm

SO TRUE. On both counts. I could write a whole other post on the things nobody ever told me about nursing. (#1 would be for a “natural” function it sure doesn’t come naturally… at least not for me! Owowowowoow!)

Heather (Perspective Is Everything) December 7, 2010 at 5:11 pm

oh that would be a GREAT one, too!
one thing nobobdy told me about nursing, was the awesome distance the breastmilk could be squirted :)
i even had a comic up on my fridge with a busy mom up on a ladder. the dad is across the room with the crying baby and says, “honey the baby’s hungry!”
so the next clip is a stream of breastmilk landing in the baby’s open mouth.(as the mom is still up on the ladder)
the dad says “nice shot, Honey!”
that is so not far from accurate :)

Sarah J December 7, 2010 at 10:37 am

Oh wow, this made me simultaneously laugh out loud and cringe in fear. Great post!

[And now I'm heading over to Charlotte's blog for more...]

Mary Kate December 7, 2010 at 10:38 am

What a terrific guest post! I would love to read Charlotte’s book. I’m getting married soon and am slowly getting more and more have-a-baby! hints from my friends and family. It’s nice to hear such honest advice and commentary.

Whitney December 7, 2010 at 10:39 am

Wow. That’s something to look forward to….

But I would love to read that book!

Tulika December 7, 2010 at 10:39 am

I will definitely be checking out Charlotte’s blog…this post was great! I’m always down for experimenting with fitness (story of my life, heh). As for having babies, I’ll be honest that reading this freaked me out!!!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

Tulika,
Don’t freak. I promise it’s worth it! :)

Michelle December 7, 2010 at 10:42 am

Great post! I appreciate the blunt honesty. Now I have a better idea of what expect (or fear, haha). And I’d love to read Charlotte’s book!

AJ @ atothejay December 7, 2010 at 10:42 am

I work with 3 women with 7 kids between them. I have heard more horror stories than I care to admit. And I have a feeling that that’s not even the half of it…ugh.

Sara December 7, 2010 at 10:43 am

Yikes! Stories like these really scare me, especially since my mom talks about her pregnancies and deliveries like they were no big deal. My sister doesn’t have too many horror stories either. I don’t have to worry about it anytime soon, but yikes!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

Sara,
Don’t be too scared – it’s totally worth it, and if your mom and sister had a pretty easy time of it, I bet you will too. :)

J3nn (Jenn's Menu and Lifestyle Blog) December 7, 2010 at 10:44 am

OMG, I was f’in dying when I got down to the monkey pics!!! ROFL

Corey @ the runner's cookie December 7, 2010 at 10:45 am

The book sounds fascinating – I would love to read it!

Graze With Me December 7, 2010 at 10:45 am

Never heard of a sitz bath before….I’m one of the last ones left in my group of girlfriends without kids and every time I think I’ve heard the “worst” of it, there’s more! Then there are those women who are like, oh yeah, it kind of hurt but then we came home and la la la. Liars!

Danielle December 7, 2010 at 10:45 am

Charlotte is hilarious. I have an unusually dry sense of humor that most do not understand nor try to but just that litte excerpt she wrote had me laughing. I can’t imagine reading a whole book that makes me laugh while learning about working the body… pure bliss! With all that I’ve heard about birthing and carrying a baby, I must admit that I am scared sh*tless of ever having one of my own! :)

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:36 am

Danielle,
Don’t be scared – I promise it’s worth it. :)

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Don’t worry, there’s not much in the book about childbirth! Of course I go off on other random topics but 90% of it has to do with fitness and exercise:) So glad I could make you laugh! People often don’t get my humor either. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to end a joke with “… and that was sarcasm”

Lisa December 7, 2010 at 10:48 am

I’m 11 weeks with my first!
Oh Lord, what have I gotten myself into?
My Butt already hurts!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:35 am

Lisa,
You’ll be fine – it’s all totally worth it!

nora December 7, 2010 at 10:48 am

Great post! I actually peed a little when reading this, I laughed so hard – I’m 5 months pregnant :-P

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Did you pee a little too?? I never could laugh while preggers without a little leakage – damp undies, the sign of a good day!

Katie December 7, 2010 at 10:50 am

I already own and LOVED the book too, so I don’t want to be entered, but I had to comment because I posted about granny panties TODAY! Is it wrong that I feel a little extra love between Charlotte and I about that coincidence? (Charlotte, don’t be scared.)

I’ve never birthed any kiddos, but for whatever reason, I seem to have a wealth of knowledge on the subject. People just tell me these things, so I actually knew these already.

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Katie – I’m not scared, I’m HONORED. Granny panties are the theme for the day! (Although the pic on your blog takes the cake! EEEEEK)

Stephanie December 7, 2010 at 10:50 am

I feel like ever since my boyfriend told me he wanted to think about having kids soon, every sign in the book as been trying to scare me out of it! Dear lord! Although watching 16 & Pregnant probably isn’t helping.

Anyway great guest post! And I’m really excited to check out your book, winner of the giveway or not!

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:34 pm

I was obsessed with 16 and pregnant for the longest time!!! But don’t worry, as long as you’re not 16 (you’re not, right?) your experience will be 100% better! Kids are amazing:)

Annie@stronghealthyfit December 7, 2010 at 10:51 am

Such an interesting post! She’s hilarious.

Kim December 7, 2010 at 10:52 am

So I guess my “penance” was that I was on bedrest my entire pregnancy, only with 1 day off to, well, get married… I did have a preemie and my c-section drugs did not take during said emergency c-section (hence why we only have 1 child!). However, I did not have any of the above mentioned. I did get REALLY swollen after my c-section from all the latex they used (anaphalactic much?), and did have a preemie with a milk protein allergy which required perscription formula for 10 months. It all worked out, and we have a healthy, beautiful 8 1/2 yr daughter. Would I do it again, heck, no. Happy to have had the learning experience I did about life, it was something I needed at that point in my life! Everyone’s body handles pregnancy in its own “special” way. Mine rebelled the entire time!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

Kim,
At least you had Pop Tarts. :)

Charlotte December 7, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Wait – you had a c-section where the drugs didn’t take?!? I think that’s outlawed by the Geneva Convention! Gah. You poor thing! Glad everything turned out well in the end though.

Sara December 7, 2010 at 10:52 am

The book sounds like a lot of fun! I was just contemplating Tabatas yesterday, so your hint about bringing a barf bag is timely. :) If I should try them, I will definitely pack supplies.

mary December 7, 2010 at 10:53 am

The whole baboon butt so hilarious but awful at the same time

Averie (LoveVeggiesandYoga) December 7, 2010 at 10:53 am

Behind the scenes, Heather and I had plenty of emails about pregnancy, nursing, the birth, and just the REALITY of life. I would send her emails and cringe b/c I was the voice of TRUTH, the REALness behind pregnancy and new motherhood that those books gloss over…and clearly with all your pregnancies, Charlotte, YOU of all people know full well all these little, ahem, details :)

You will spend the first year of your baby’s life with your blouse unbuttoned either nursing or pumping
You will not sleep much until your kid is at least 5
You will not care about what brand of oatmeal, oats, nut butter, or if the veggies you are buying are organic…you would just be happy to have anyone do the grocery shopping for you. For once.
The afterbirth pains of labor for the next 2 days rival labor pains.
The lochia. Enough said. It’s epic.

I’ll stop now. Children are a blessing!!!!! But there are some realities to life that no one talks about :)

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:32 am

Averie,
You don’t know how much your honest emails helped and prepared me for labor, nursing…everything. Every mama-to-be needs a friend like you. Seriously!
P.S. The warm wipes with lavender and tea tree oil are wonderful. Could never imagine using a cold disposable one now!

Teshon December 7, 2010 at 10:56 am

Funny post Charlotte. Hearing that and realizing you’ve done it 5 times, just wow. Best of luck to all the expecting ladies that posted:)

dragonmamma/naomi December 7, 2010 at 10:56 am

My “babies” are now 19 and 22, but I still haven’t forgotten how NOT fun it was to give birth. Third degree tear with the first one, so, yeah, I know all about baboon butt.

Actually, the pee problem was better after I gave birth, because I no longer had a bowling ball resting on my bladder.

Ashlee (Ash & Lew Plus 2) December 7, 2010 at 10:58 am

So, I had a c-section with my twins and still needed the mesh panties and giant pads! :)

Also, I totally want to read this book!

Maren December 7, 2010 at 11:00 am

Even if I don’t win, her book is going on my Christmas List! She had me cracking up just with this post! No worries though, I still want to have babies :) just not now. haha

Katy (The Singing Runner) December 7, 2010 at 11:01 am

I haven’t had a child, but this post left me laughing out loud!

Paige @ The Gravy Boat December 7, 2010 at 11:05 am

I totally agree with the pickle jar thing. Also, if I’m about to give birth in a public place, I want people running to my aid…Not avoiding me and the rogue pickles because they think I’m unstable.

Brooke December 7, 2010 at 11:06 am

That post was funny! I don’t have any kids yet but I’m looking forward to it. Knowing all the pain and suffering that us women have to go through for a baby makes me that much more curious about how overwhelming the love for a baby is. If women willingly choose to go through pregnancy and birth more than once, that love must be the greatest feeling in the world.

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 11:28 am

Brooke,
It is. :)

Molly @FuelHerUp December 7, 2010 at 11:10 am

Whoa….As someone with a medical condition that disables me from having my own children, I’m in awe of what pregnant women go through…and they always come out happy in the end! Incredible.

Meg W December 7, 2010 at 11:14 am

Love both of you! Hope to someday get through pregnancy and child birth as smoothly as you both have. XOXO

Samantha December 7, 2010 at 11:14 am

If her book is anything like this post, than I definitely need to read it. Would love to win a copy!! And yes, I was freaked to have a kid, before, but not its even worse!! LOL

Thanks for the entertaining post!

simone December 7, 2010 at 11:18 am

have to say I’ve never read of child birth quite like that, I loved it!

Lauren December 7, 2010 at 11:18 am

Wonderful and funny post!!!

Emily December 7, 2010 at 11:21 am

I’m a HUGE Charlotte fan! And I would love a copy of her book! Thanks for the giveaway, Heather! You both are two of my favorite ladies to read!

Danielle December 7, 2010 at 11:22 am

I’m on my first pregnancy now and am discovering myself some things that no one ever told me! Cant wait for the little one to arrive though :)
Would love to get a copy of the book–can’t wait to be back to exercising vigorously again!

Courtney December 7, 2010 at 11:24 am

SOOOOOO TRUE! The other thing they forget to tell you is what happens to your body immediately after a vaginal birth. That whole scene is straight out of a horror movie. People don’t tell you these things just like the way you forget the sleepless nights of a newborn after a few year…because we probably wouldn’t do it again if we remembered. LOL!

This is coming from Mama of three.

Carrie December 7, 2010 at 11:27 am

As someone who has clincial depression and problems with anxiety that have manifested themselves as eating disorders in that past, I always appreciate Charlotte’s frankness in dealing with these issues in a public forum.

Jan December 7, 2010 at 11:27 am

I knew there had to be an upside to having 2 C-sections. No Baboon-Butt! LOL. What a funny but oh so true post!

Allison W. December 7, 2010 at 11:29 am

Charlotte and Heab, you both have hilarious, honest, real blogs that I love to read. I’m looking for the motivation to stop running and doing bicycle crunches every workout. I need to mix it up and your book sounds fantastic!

Whitney December 7, 2010 at 11:30 am

Wowzah! I feel like this quelled my baby-urges for three to four years. :)
Kidding (sort of!) — thanks for the awesome and informative co-post!

Cassie December 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

This is certainly a good birth control post (for now)! I heart babies so much that certainly, someday, nothing is going to keep me away!

Jeannette December 7, 2010 at 11:37 am

I can’t wait to experience the “joys” of pregnancy! Hope I get a copy of your book! It sounds awesome!

A.B. December 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

ROFL! :D No kids here… but I WOULD have a pickle jar, I’m sure. For eating! No way I’m wasting precious pickles! I love me some pickles now, heaven help me if I get pregnant! ;)

Moni'sMeals December 7, 2010 at 11:46 am

You mean we have all that to look forward to!?

Great post! :)

Kristen December 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

I’d love to win the book! Sounds right up my ally! I’ve got a girls group who would love to try everything with me. Can’t wait to read it!

LesleyG December 7, 2010 at 11:49 am

Though that was hilarious, I am sure you’ve just helped a lot of women feel much more normal. That really is a priceless feeling to a first-time preggo/mama. :)

Christin@purplebirdblog December 7, 2010 at 11:51 am

I am so scared to have babies… OMG! :D

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Christin,
Don’t be scared. Totally worth it. I promise. :)

Christin@purplebirdblog December 7, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Someday! :)

Karen December 7, 2010 at 12:00 pm

I’m pregnant now and going to have to add monkey butt to my list of things to worry about.

Sarah December 7, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Great post! I’m pregnant now with my second baby (my first is 6 now), so I’m trying to remember all the things I have forgotten! The one thing that was my saving grace after my daughter was born was this spray the nurse gave me – I think it was designed for burns? – to spray on after I went to the bathroom! It numbed everything down there and kept me sane!! :) :)

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Sarah,
I LOVED that spray stuff as well as the nurse for giving it to me. :)

Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun December 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm

I’m due with my 2nd and he should be appearing between 2-6 weeks from now. This post had me laughing because its so true and I just know what I get to look forward to. And yes, in fact, I’ve already had a bit of an “accident’ today when I sneezed. Dang weak bladder and girly muscles.

blair December 7, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Charlotte’s blog was one of the first ones I followed consistently as well. She’s hilarious and I’d love to get my hands on a copy of her book!

Meg December 7, 2010 at 12:13 pm

I wish someone had told me that pushing so fast would cause more harm! Next time, I am going slower :) Thanks Charlotte!

Lauren at KeepItSweet December 7, 2010 at 12:13 pm

what a great post, thanks for the honest thoughts!

lindsay December 7, 2010 at 12:13 pm

these seriously are my favorite kind of posts. I love it! The good, the bad, and the ugly. One day I will have kids and I will have to read that book over and over. hehe!
Cheers,
LC

Heather December 7, 2010 at 12:16 pm

So so so much of pregnancy and childbirth surprised me. It was not glamorous. But you’re right — SO worth it!

Jen December 7, 2010 at 12:26 pm

I just laughed so hard out loud, reading this.
I was afraid my co-workers were going to come over and ask what was so funny…and then I’d have to tell them I was giggling about vajayjay cakes, hoo-has, and baboon butt.

Great post. Thanks for the info :)

Can’t wait to check out Charlotte’s blog!

Abby December 7, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Charlotte is hilarious as ever! Little freaky since I don’t have kids but I’m still doing it, I swear.

Jessica December 7, 2010 at 12:31 pm

I am petrified of ever having children…so this only added to it. I know it’s worth it but it definitely makes adoption look more appealing ;)

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Jessica,
It’s so worth it. I promise! :)

chelsey @ clean eating chelsey December 7, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Okay, I am officially scared.

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Chelsey,
Don’t be scared. I promise it’s worth it. :)

Kristin (ChasRunner) December 7, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Yuck! Pregnancy sounds so awful. I also don’t have babies yet, but someday, God willing. It’s just one of those things us women were meant to do. I kind of take pride in knowing it’s so hard — makes us out to be even tougher :)

I would love the book, I’m also shifting from only running to doing a ton of other stuff…and I love it. It’s so nice to break out of the routine.

Katheryn December 7, 2010 at 12:43 pm

I loved this post! Laughed out loud remembering the days before and after having my two children.

Jayme December 7, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Thank you for the hilarious guest post and teensy bit of birth control in a blog, Charlotte! :) I was delighted to see you post on HEAB’s blog today…you two are probably my favorite blogs to read!

I have birthed 2 babies completely natural, with no drugs, no epidural… and one of them at home! (And yes…I meant to do it that way) :) The labor and delivery of each one was something I am really proud of, that I will always remember and cherish. However, the post partum aftermath was something I WAS NOT prepared for! How about the horrible post delivery contractions, which seemed to increase every time I tried to breastfeed? Or the feelings of inadequacy when my milk supply was not enough, or feeling like I got run over by a truck due to lack of sleep?? Okay, one last one…I couldn’t stand the lack of schedule in those first few weeks….it made me so antsy!
(Can you tell my post partum was a little PTSD ish?) :) Luckily it was 7 and 5 years ago…I am almost fully recovered!

:)

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Jayme,
I feel the same way about the whole scheduling thing. I can’t plan anything, from visitors to outings, etc. It gets me really worked up some days, and I’m trying really hard just to let it go.

So honored you rank me right up there with Charlotte. Thank you!

Heather December 7, 2010 at 12:49 pm

I think I just found a new blog to follow! Charlotte is hilarious — loved this post, even if it did make me even more weary of the distant day when I decide to have a kid. :P

Kendel @ Eating Abroad December 7, 2010 at 12:50 pm

I love hearing the reality of life situations… especially when put in such a humorous way! Thanks for such a great post.

Brannan December 7, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Ahhh this made my 40 weeks + 4 days day! I do have to say my big surprise was feeling like my guts were going to fall out for, oh, two weeks or more after baby came. Belly binding saved my intestines the 2nd time around!

Thanks for the laugh!

Emily Elizabeth @ Kisses for Breakfast December 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm

I loved those mesh granny panties! I took a whole bunch home with me and wore them for months – so comfortable (okay so I still wear them once and a while). Let’s see, the one thing that stands out that no one told me about having a baby is that breastfeeding can be SO difficult. It’s easy now (my baby is 8 months old) but the first couple months was worse than labor and delivery!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Emily,
Really? That is hilarious. I called them “my sexy panties” the whole time I was in the hospital, and I hate the word “panties”. Had to find some humor in the whole experience somehow. ;)
And you know I hear ya on the whole breast feeding thing. Pumping as I type this.

Tracy December 7, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Since my oldest is now 15 (can’t believe it!!), I honestly don’t remember what surprised me! 3 more kids later, I think it all seemed natural to me. Thanks for the fun post.

Alice December 7, 2010 at 1:06 pm

My best advice for avoiding baboon butt? Skip the epidural. (I’m not sure how great that trade-off is…)

My theory is that when you have an epidural, you don’t know when you need to push, so you’re likely to sit with the pressure from the baby for who knows how long, until the dr. is ready. No epidural means when you have to push, you’re going to push no matter who’s there to catch the kid. You can also push harder or more gently (although nothing about childbirth seems gentle…) depending on how your body feels- this also helps avoid tearing, IMO.

It only hurts really really really really bad for a little while, right?

Tricia December 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

This is awesome! I will definitely be checking out Charlotte’s blog!
I don’t have any kids quite yet, and when that day comes I won’t be carrying dill pickles in my pockets, that’s a little over the top. Actually it’s straight up insanity….I thought this might scare me out of wanting kids, but it sounds like a pretty good challenge!

bakingnbooks December 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Oh – this book sounds so interesting!

Charlotte you are a great writer – thanks for “show-casing” her HEAB!

:)

…i still won’t be having babies anytime soon though ;)

bakingnbooks December 7, 2010 at 1:11 pm

SO WEIRD. A picture came up next to my reply – but it’s not mine or me at all!! ????

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Bakingnbooks,
That is weird – oh well, she’s pretty whomever it is. ;)

Ari December 7, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Just received a notice saying that you replied to my comment but I actually didn’t leave the comments above. Apparently someone else did using my email address.

Jenna Z December 7, 2010 at 1:12 pm

I have NEVER heard that about a pickle jar, that is WHACK!! I just wanted to thank you for using the word child-free instead of childless. :) My husband and I are in negotiations now about whether/when to have our first kid. (He’s pushing for now, I’m pushing for in a few years/never.)

Julie Hurley December 7, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Perfect timing! My husband and I started P90X two days ago in our endless quest for a “cut” body. We’ve done Insanity and Power 90 in the past. I’m excited to see how it goes. Looking forward to incorporating some of HEAB’s recipes into our nutrition plan also.

I have two kids. Have you say that you summed it up perfectly! :)

T December 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm

I wish there were a way I could read this book (because I’m not hopeful at winning!). I read Charlotte’s blog when I have time (as my blog reading goes!) and enjoy it. Unfortunately, I have no dimes to spare and have not found it in my library.

betty@runbettyrun December 7, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Love Charlotte’s writing style! My husband and I are anxiously looking forward to starting our family in the near future, and it’s wonderful/scary to hear all these great tips from people who’ve been there, done that!

Would love a copy of the book :)

Tracey Reinoehl December 7, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I am due in 4 weeks to the day and that whole baboon butt think has me a little on edge!!!! LOL

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Tracey,
You’ll be fine. My baboon butt wasn’t too bad…but definitely request some ice packs! :)

Morgan December 7, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Loved this post, love that I have a new blog to distract me at work!

Ellen December 7, 2010 at 1:57 pm

i love charlotte’s blog. so honest and funny! plus, we’re both from minnesota so i am partial :) great post.

Megan (BraiseTheRoof) December 7, 2010 at 1:59 pm

Oh, childbirth. The horror, the horror. I’m 26 and am just starting to feel my baby clock ticking, but I’d be lying if the sheer thought of carrying a human around for 9 months and then shooting it out of my body doesn’t give me the heeby geebies a little. :) I love your take on the whole thing, Charlotte!

Miss Meg December 7, 2010 at 2:06 pm

I have never heard of the pickle jar idea before, but it sounds absolutely hilarious. Who thought up such a thing?

Lo December 7, 2010 at 2:09 pm

after reading this, i now appreciate moms even more. having a new baby tromps all that stuff.

xoxo
lo

Mary @ Bites and Bliss December 7, 2010 at 2:16 pm

hahaha!! Even though they’re not exactly “funny” situations, you made this post very lighthearted. Pregnancy definitely isn’t all rainbows and buttercups, but it’s still a wonderful thing nonetheless..we just have to go through a few downsides along the way. :)

Deb N. December 7, 2010 at 2:18 pm

So funny yet so true! Ive had four and so worth it all !! Id love to read the book, thanks for the chance.

jenn December 7, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I will never look at a baboon the same way. ;)

Krysta December 7, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Oh my goodness, this post was hilarious but scary for a girl who has not yet had a baby!

Gina December 7, 2010 at 2:33 pm

…and this why your guy should make you feel special by spoiling you with beautiful gifts, dinner, doing your errands, etc!

dana @ my little celebration December 7, 2010 at 2:33 pm

I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time I read this post. Great job Charlotte. You have quite the sense of humor.

My favorite line was “mule kicks to your cervix.” Ha.

Although I’m child-less at this point in my life, my husband and I do desire children in the future. So this post was definitely eye opening to me…even though it did scare me a little bit.

I don’t want to pee my pants! Please, no!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Dana,
If it makes you feel any better, I never peed in my pants. :)

Allik December 7, 2010 at 2:36 pm

I love my friends’ kids and have occasionally thought that I would like have my own…but the baboon butt thing? Scary stuff!

Beth @ To the Fullest December 7, 2010 at 2:39 pm

This post is HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud the whole way through…and shivered at the thought of monkey butt.

Amalia December 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

I love this site and I loove Charlotte’s site! I really wish I could get that book! amazing!

-Amalia

Clare @ Fitting It All In December 7, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Fantastic post – I’m learning lots about pregnancy from my boss that just got back from maternity leave too.

mama December 7, 2010 at 2:44 pm

It sounds like a really cute book!!

Sarah December 7, 2010 at 2:55 pm

You both are too funny! I think my mom would love to read this book too. Or maybe it’s that I would love for my mom to read it (haha).

Esther December 7, 2010 at 2:58 pm

I would love that book. The pickle jar idea is hilarious! :)

Sarahd December 7, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Nobody told me my hair wouldn’t fall out at all the entire time I was pregnant (the stylist for a wedding I was in about went nuts trying to deal with such THICK hair) and that it would then all fall out like crazy over the first few months after I quit nursing. Kinda freaked me out on both counts.

Lori December 7, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Another good post from Charlotte!
I guess everyone has different experiences during pregnancy. I never had any problems with swollen gums or hot/cold sensitivity, but did I ever get leg cramps. I would wake up in the middle of the night with the most excruciating leg cramps!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Lori,
Me too. No gum problems either, but those leg cramps were awful. Only had them a few times, but I was crying one night they were so bad, and the ever thoughtful CD asked me how I was ever going to survive labor. So encouraging, no? ;)

Kelly Michelle December 7, 2010 at 3:28 pm

OMG I’m sitting at work and the thing about the pickle jar made me burst out laughing, not like crack a smile, but full on cracking up.

Annette December 7, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I really enjoyed this post! I laughed hysterically through most of it, but I agree that moms should be applauded way more than they are given credit for! I am not yet a mom, but I am excited to have babies….and experience all those “fun” parts of being pregnant ;) I would love a copy of the book because I am a fitness enthusiast, I teach fitness classes, I have my Master’s in exercise science (well I WILL if I pass my thesis defense tomorrow), and always enjoy a good laugh! Thanks for the great guest post!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Annette,
You would love Charlotte’s book, and good luck with your thesis defense tomorrow. So exciting. :)

Melissa @ TryingToHeal December 7, 2010 at 4:14 pm

hahahaha! that is way too funny!!! now i’m never going to have kids! ok, i kid; maybe… ;)

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 4:15 pm

Melissa,
You’d better! You’re going to make as awesome mama someday! :)

Gavi @ GaviGetsGoing! December 7, 2010 at 4:28 pm

This post made me laugh out loud at my desk…and simultaneously fear for my childbearing years! I would totally love to read Charlotte’s book–she sounds awesome.

Laura December 7, 2010 at 4:30 pm

I think I read this whole post with my mouth hanging open! haha Who knew?!

Diana (Soap & Chocolate) December 7, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Charlotte is a girl after my own heart, apart from the multiple childbirths (though what I lack in children I make up for in nieces and nephews: 8). I would love to read her book – we could all stand to have a sense of humor where health is concerned. :)

ABDMama December 7, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I was never told that I might go into shock while having a baby. After 18 hours of labor my body started shaking uncontrollably and my ability to walk through my pain and try for a natural childbirth were over.

Thanks Charlotte for guest hosting here and introducing me to a new blog!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 5:07 pm

ABDMama, wow, that sounds scary. Kudos to you for last 18 hours! I only last about 2 1/2 after they broke my water and started me on pitocin. All my plans for a natural child birth went right out the window!

Jessica R. December 7, 2010 at 4:49 pm

I’d love to read the book! Thanks for the great post.

sarah December 7, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Ha! This was hilarious! When I had my kids, the nurses called the frozen pads, ‘buttcicles’–who knew! The monkey butt thing–does it hurt them as much as it does us, cause I feel bad for them if it does!
Thanks for sharing this candid post–it’s so true that it’s much easier to laugh at after the fact!

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Sarah,
Buttcicles – that is great! :)

Nicole December 7, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Ok. I’m 31 and have been on the fence about having kids. I knew about the butt thing (well, kinda…my grandmother told me you get hemorrhoids) I think the visual made it more real for me. My sister told me about the pee thing and says she still has issues with it. The gums thing I did not know about.
Anyway, I know they’re precious and all, but this really scared the bejesus out of me.
That being said, I really enjoyed it and will buy the book. The way it was written was funny. I won’t lie though, any thought I may have been having about having kids has taken a turn toward the side of Oh HELLL No again. Just sayin…

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Nicole, if it makes you feel any better, my gums were fine, and I never peed in my pants. However, I did get one little hemorrhoid during pushing. However, to be honest and not to scare you anymore, the worst part was the stitches. OUCH – not so much while they were happening (didn’t feel a thing), but it hurt to sit for about 2 weeks afterwards. Totally worth it though – I promise! :)

Christie December 7, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Hilarious guest post! Adding http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com to my Reader now :)

Ali December 7, 2010 at 5:21 pm

Yay a new blog to read and a new book to put on my Christmas list. No-body told me how horribly terrified i would be on the first night i took my Baby home. What a realisation!!! Thankfully Little Mia is nearly 12 and things are a lot less terrifying :o )

Brill Read

Ali xx

HEAB December 7, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Ali,
I know – felt the same way…I was like, “you’re really okay to send me home with her. Are you sure?” CD and I were completely clueless! However, we haven’t broken her yet. ;)

Melissa @ I Never Imagined December 7, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Argh! I don’t know whether to laugh or scream in fear! Maybe both! That said, I now have an even deeper appreciation for what all you mammas out there go through!

Missy December 7, 2010 at 5:38 pm

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant, so I liked reading this post! Especially the part about peeing on myself…definitely have done that a few times now!

Dana December 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

Charlotte is so funny! Can’t wait to check out her blog now!

Robin December 7, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Charlotte, I truly hope that I win your book because I just got a huge laugh out of your guest post. You are the first person to make me think there may be a bright side to having a c-section that my OB has warned me may happen when I give birth to my first child in 3-4 months. And, as a first time pregnant woman, many kudos to you carrying and raising five children.

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 4:06 am

Robin,
Congrats to you. So exciting. :)

Amanda December 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Thank you so much for sharing! I haven’t had a baby yet, but love hearing the truth, AKA the stuff nobody even mentions!

Ruth December 7, 2010 at 6:37 pm

My sister said late baby hormones made her crazy. She loved weird smells that usually made her sick, like exhaust fumes. It’s all she could do to restrain herself from huffing!

Oh, and I totes wanna win the book. So broke right now.

wendy December 7, 2010 at 6:43 pm

….knowone told me I would be putting cabbage leaves on my boobs when they became engorged!

FoodCents December 7, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Oh my, just reading that made my ovaries hurt – both in a good & bad way.

Monique December 7, 2010 at 6:46 pm

Great post! I would LOVE to read this book! I’m definitely someone who gets bored easily and am always trying to spice up my workouts. This sounds like it would be great!

Sarah December 7, 2010 at 6:50 pm

I love all of the down to earth, no messing around, honest advice. Women need more of this!!! I would love to read the book! :)

Julie Yeh December 7, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Followed over from the GFE blog – great post!

Amanda B. December 7, 2010 at 7:06 pm

This is hysterical! I don’t have kids and don’t know if that will happen some day, but if it does then I will definitely keep this in mind. And I’ll definitely ask for an ice pack pad, even though that sounds horrendously uncomfortable.

Would love a copy of the book as well :) Charlotte is a funny lady.

Raychel December 7, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Those baboon butts are great! I honestly want to know where she even heard of them in the first place! lol.

Renee December 7, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Great post! one Addition… U will poop on yourself while giving birth, maybe a little or maybe a lot but poop comes out!

Amy December 7, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Haha, oh yes, those surfboard pads they hand you immediately post birth certainly scared the life out of me!

What do I wish I had known? That labour can last 3 days before the day your baby even arrives (oof!)

That falling on your back while pregnant with twins will render you a beached whale in need of some serious help in getting back to your feet (also that said falling can then induce labour :/)

That your belly will never be the same if you have twins…….EVER.

Lastly, yes, I wish I’d known about the ice pack! No one ever offered me one!! (Although I did get to walk around in some stretchy bandage that sucked in all my tummy skin because I separated my muscles, that thing was pretty awesome. I never wanted to give it up).

Love this post! What a laugh!

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 4:04 am

Amy, I didn’t get offered the ice pack either. Sounds like we both missed out. :(

Sagan December 7, 2010 at 7:37 pm

I would TOTALLY come by and play with both of your kids. I’d even babysit for a few hours!

…and then I’d give them back. I like it when I can give kids back to someone at the end of the day. I don’t think I’d make it through pregnancy and all that. Mothers are amazing, but that’s a strength and dedication that I would not be prepared for!

Erin December 7, 2010 at 7:38 pm

I’m so glad I read this post, your blog is new to me Charlotte and I love it already!! I need to read your book now!

Hayley December 7, 2010 at 7:43 pm

I started reading Charlotte’s blog just recently and this is one of the main reasons why I love it – her humor and honest-to-goodness attitude. I can definitely relate to this post after having my first baby 3 months ago – everything right down to the baboon butts to the granny mesh panties to cookie-sheet-sized ice packs. I NEVER KNEW how sore I was going to be “down there” after giving birth. I was so focused on getting through the labor that I never even thought about the pain thereafter. However, since I gave birth naturally I didn’t see any point in taking pain pills to get through the soreness. Every time a nurse or doctor came in offering me Percocet I’d say, “Percocet? REALLY?! Where were you when I begged for that epidural!” Ok I didn’t exactly say that, but it almost seemed laughable. Although I did go through that Bactine spray stuff like my life depended on it. That cool spray never felt so good on my hoo ha…

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 4:03 am

Hayley,
Oh my gosh – that spray was a god send, and I kept turning down the percocet, as the epidural numbed the area for quite a while, but by the next day, I was like, “yeah, a percocet sounds really nice.” Ha, the motrin was no longer cutting it. ;)

Hayley December 7, 2010 at 7:45 pm

P.S. – Even if I don’t win a copy of Charlotte’s book (and I really, REALLY REALLY hope I do!) I’m going to ask Santa for it for Christmas. :)

Michele December 7, 2010 at 7:52 pm

I’ve never had a baby but I still pee in my pants on occasion so I can relate. :-) The book looks fabulous!

jenika December 7, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Oh my goodness. Great guest post!

I’m also afraid of all the wacky, strange things my body will do when I get pregnant one day, but if you gals can joke about it, then it can’t be all that bad :) Soo excited for you, HEAB.

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 4:01 am

Thanks Jenika, and yes, it’s not all that bad. Totally worth it in the end. :)

Melanie December 7, 2010 at 8:11 pm

I lucked out on and got 2 – Get-Out-of-Baboon-Butt Free card’s. Actually I would have given anything to give birth the natural way. It’s a regret I will always have (not that I had any control over it).

mary @ fit this girl December 7, 2010 at 8:34 pm

Whatt a great post and great blog- would LOVE TO SNAG A COPY OF HER BOOK!

Jo December 7, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Oh I had an aunt who told me while pregnant with my first one that giving birth is just like having the biggest bowel movement you could ever imagine. She was pretty right on…. Except I didn’t expect the real poo to come out too for some reason!! Duh!

Brandy December 7, 2010 at 8:47 pm

That post was great…

Debbie December 7, 2010 at 8:48 pm

I could really use a laugh! Though seriously I have some weight to lose!

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Marcia @Frugal Healthy Simple December 7, 2010 at 8:49 pm

Ha ha ha ha ! You crack me up. Really.

The thing they never told ME was mommy brain. Like, you just can’t remember things. And, it’s hormonal. For me, I never did get all of my brain function back until about 3 months after I stopped nursing (so, a year and a half).

Faith @ She Kneads December 7, 2010 at 8:58 pm

A comment ;)

Wow. Not going to lie. I’m not looking forward to pregnancy.

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 4:00 am

Faith,
I promise it’s all worth it! :)

Ana December 7, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Those are three of the unpleasant sides of pregnancy, but there are also hundreds of amazing things that happens when we have a baby!
Fun post, just hope this doesn’t scare your readers. Being pregnant is an amazing thing and totally worthy any discomfort we may encounter during those 9 months. And I guess Charlotte might agree with this, as she even had it more than once!
The book sounds nice, I would like to read it too!
Ana

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 4:00 am

Ana,
Hehe – I think it did scare some, but I keep telling them it’s really so worth it – baboon butt and all! ;)

Lucy December 7, 2010 at 9:02 pm

Heather, I love your blog so much! I just found out I’m pregnant (we’ve been trying for 3 years and this is our first!) so all this talk is SO interesting! Would you be willing to share more of your detailed experience in maybe a pregnancy tab or more posts? I trust your opinions so much. I’m just begining to do my own research…so to know what you read/where you did your research would help me (and I’m sure a lot of people) so much! Thank you and God bless!

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 3:59 am

Lucy,
Many congrats – so exciting!
I would love to share more about my pregnancy experience and probably should make a separate page or something for it. Hope to get to that someday, but until then, please email with your questions as I would love to share what books I read and some of the better advice I received…and trust me, I receive a lot. Did you see my labor story post: http://heathereatsalmondbutter.com/2010/11/09/summers-arrival/. I do have to say the best advice I can give you is to hire an experienced doula. Ours really knew her stuff and was so amazing and helpful. Also, find a good birthing class. I did not want to take the hospital’s birthing class as I wanted to be prepared for everything they might throw at me. So, we took natural birthing classes – ended up getting and epidural, but at least I knew all the pros and cons. Again, many congrats and please don’t hesitate to email me for anything. Hope you’re feeling well and getting lots of rest! :)

daniela December 7, 2010 at 9:15 pm

I LOVE the way she writes!! Laughed my ass off and loved the frankness. Will get her book somehow for sure:-) Nice guest Heather!

Maryea {Happy Healthy Mama} December 7, 2010 at 9:19 pm

What surprised me the most was all the blood afterwards and how much the pain continued even after she was born. UGH–No I have not forgotten!

Annie December 7, 2010 at 9:30 pm

LOL funny funny FUN-E… I’m 48.. never had children of my own.. but had the extreme pleasure of coaching my niece through delivery of her first baby this year.. which was kinda weird because she’s asking me all these questions and I have NO IDEA! LOL… The biggest surprise?? uhmmm .. errr.. the doctor had to use the suction thingee and when the baby came out I’m thinking “oh my gosh it’s kermit the frog”.. she had what looked like a tumor on her head from the suction I guess.. and now I know why they slide those little hats on so quickly! LOL.. and I was snapping pictures and the look on my niece’s face as she was handed her baby was like “what is that?”.. I just remember thinking “eeewwwww” then hearing the Doctor and Nurse saying she was beautiful and with a bit of relief and I joined right in.. but there were parts of her that were swollen that no one told us about… I didn’t say a word to my niece about my thoughts and about a week later we’re talking about the birth and my niece shyly looks at me and asks “what did you think when she first came out?” .. I look sideways at her and grin and say “what did you think?” (I didn’t want to hurt her feelings).. she says.. “I thought they were handing me Yoda from Star Wars”.. ROFLMAO.. we laughed and laughed and laughed.. My great niece is the most beautiful baby in the world.. but I gotta tell ya they should prepare ya for that first sight.. cuz it was a bit scary! LOL

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 3:53 am

Annie,
Yoda – ha! Hilarious. Yeah, I hear the suction can cause some major cone head action.

Ann Claire December 7, 2010 at 9:31 pm

I”m far from having kids but this post was still enjoyable to read. I love Charlotte’s writing style!

Annie December 7, 2010 at 9:37 pm

I know I won’t win.. so I went ahead and ordered Charlotte’s book from Amazon…. should be here Thursday! Can’t wait! This blog cracked me up!
Annie

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 3:51 am

Annie,
So glad you ordered the book – enjoy! :)

nicole December 7, 2010 at 9:46 pm

I always thought the water breaking would be a large splash deal. Nope. I changed my underwear about 10 times over the course of 12 hours before it occurred to me that it might be my water breaking. Hello!

Dana Udall-Weiner December 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm

For me, the biggest surprise was that I couldn’t stand up for more than a few minutes, for days on end. That dull ache right in the baboon butt. Not fun. But I agree it’s all worth it, of course!

amy December 7, 2010 at 10:04 pm

I had no idea I’d have painful and irritating thrush constantly for months, 9 months of nausea, heartburn, migraines, saggy-baggy boobs, stretch marks on TOP of stretch marks, cravings for foods you’re not allowed to eat, carpel tunnel syndrome day and night, people asking me if I was having twins when I was only 6 months pregnant, an extra 10kgs that wouldn’t budge till I stopped breastfeeding, cracked bleeding nipples, thrush filled nipples, mastitis, leg cramps so painful they’d wake you up from a deep sleep, pregnancy insomnia, a baby that cried for 6 hours a day and refused to be comforted or refused to sleep…

but also no one could really tell me how fiercely I would love my children, how I would step in front of a bus to save them without thinking about it, how I’ve learned to enjoy simple joys and pleasures again through the eyes of my children, how my irritating “itchy feet” tendancies to always keep moving and moving forward would finally be calmed, and that i would finally learnt to live more in the moment, that my life would finally feel full!

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 3:50 am

Amy,
Sounds like it was definitely all worth it in the end. :)

Scott in Ohio December 7, 2010 at 10:09 pm

Great guest post. The book HAS to be just as good!

If I do not win, I’ll be sure to order a copy.

Thanks Charlotte and HEAB!!

Rachelle December 7, 2010 at 10:23 pm

One thing that suprised me was that before the baby was born my hoo-haa was swollen and scary looking, didn’t want my husband to see :P
I love Charlotte’s blog and I want to read her book!

Laura December 7, 2010 at 10:27 pm

Can I get an AMEN!
I am cracking up. Hilarious, but oh so true!

michelle December 7, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Ahh no one told me about the absolute agony my breasts would go through while trying desperately to keep this little person alive. I would wipe blood off my babies lips fully expecting one of my nipples to just fall off. 14 hours of labour was easy compared to the first month of breast feeding!

caronae December 7, 2010 at 10:33 pm

This post, oddly, makes me want babies even more than I already do. And I already want them realllllllyyyy bad. Like now. I’m 21. I’m trying to hold on for at least 6 more years. Crazy hormones.

Charlotte is a wonderful writer and I would love to read her book!

Susan December 7, 2010 at 10:34 pm

That books sounds great. As an un-elegant but ever-enthusiastic fitness experimenter myself, I would love to read it.

And another thing people don’t tell you about having a baby: the pant-peeing may continue for some time after the baby is born. Be warned.

Caitlin (EatFeats) December 7, 2010 at 11:04 pm

So glad to see (from the comments on this post) that I am not the only woman in the world who is terrified of labor. Carrying a baby in my belly sounds like SO much fun, but I just do not know how we would get that sucker out!

Nellie December 7, 2010 at 11:18 pm

Ohh….soooo true! Great post! It definitely had me tearing up!

Maria December 7, 2010 at 11:34 pm

I do need to read her blog more often–she is a talented writer and I would love a copy of her book :)

Susan December 7, 2010 at 11:43 pm

That Fitness Experiment book sounds hilarious – like last week when I bopped myself really hard on the noggin while using my new Shakeweight – it hurt like heck and I cussed at them for an hour – now I’m afraid of them, they really hurt! They WORK though and I do recommend them, just be careful…….LOL

Lisa Torres December 7, 2010 at 11:45 pm

LMBO!!!! LOL LOL>>> SO VERY TRUE!!!!
:) Thanks for the good laugh… needed it today…

Kiran December 8, 2010 at 1:37 am

I love how you’ve incorporated humor in this post. The subject was indeed heavy, but I can’t wait to be a mommy :)

jen irons December 8, 2010 at 1:59 am

I didn’t have the baboon butt (well, maybe but no one told me!!) but my nurse after deliivery did ask me how “my little smokies were”. If you don’t know what little smokies are just google and you’ll understand!!!!! Nothing is sacred after birth! Thank you Charlotte for confirming this!!!!!

Dea December 8, 2010 at 3:23 am

So my hospital had the frozen pads, they were actually newborn diapers that they cut open on one end and filled with ice chips. Genious, the absorbant stuff made it not leak water and so soothing!
What suprised me is where it hurt in labour, and that subsequent pregnancies are not the same! Also, kinda cliche, but the crazy intense rush of love you feel, I knew it would happen, but didn’t know it was going to happen that hard!

HEAB December 8, 2010 at 3:46 am

Dea,
That is genius – I gotta remember that!

Hallie December 8, 2010 at 3:28 am

I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds the process of birth a little scary! Thought babies are adorable, so it’ll probably happen eventually. Just not for a very long time, hopefully :)

The book looks hysterical! I’d love to read it.

Patricia December 8, 2010 at 6:59 am

wow… a little terrified. mostly of baboon butt.

Natalie December 8, 2010 at 7:35 am

I love this post! I was one to be scared of everything related to pregnancy and childbirth, now I have 2 kids and lived through it :) I’d say how crazy is it how natural nursing comes to the baby when it seems like the weirdest and most gross thing ever before you become a mom? At least I viewed it that way…

Nicole December 8, 2010 at 8:35 am

I would love a chance to win the book, especially if the post here is a glimpse of Charlotte’s humor.

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